“I Said Yes. He Still Asked My Husband.”

A listener dilemma on The Vault this week hit a nerve, and judging by the reaction in the room, it’s a feeling many of us know too well. 

Here’s the situation: A listener is on maternity leave while she and her partner are having some work done on their house. She’s the one at home dealing with the builder, making decisions, giving the go-ahead. Sounds simple, right?

Except the builder won’t accept her word.

She says yes… he says, “Can you ask your partner?”

She says yes again… he texts, “Did you ask your partner?”

This happened four times.

She even explained that she and her partner are a team, that they’ve saved the money together, and that they trust each other to make decisions. Still, the builder wouldn’t move forward without what he seemed to consider the “real” approval.

And she’s left wondering: Should I say something? Or just brush it off? Why should I have to explain myself?

It’s not just about a gate 

It might seem small. A decision about repainting the gate. But when a woman’s voice gets ignored in her own home (especially when she’s the one present, capable, and paying) it doesn’t feel small. It feels like a reminder that, to some people, your money isn’t “real money” unless a man’s behind it.

And if you’re on maternity leave? That assumption only gets stronger.

As the team said on the pod, this isn’t just one builder. This happens everywhere:

• Bills handed to men at restaurants
• Tradespeople asking for the “man of the house”
• Assumptions that you’re just “helping out” with finances, not leading them

So what can you do?

There’s no one right answer here, especially when you’re balancing your own boundaries, energy, and how close you are to finishing the job (literally and emotionally). But here are a few approaches we explored:

1. Get an ally involved 🤝

Ask your partner to back you up. Sometimes a simple, “She makes the decisions, mate,” in front of the builder is all it takes to set the tone.

2. Use humour with bite 👀

If you’re the type to call things out with a smile, try:

“It’s 2025, Tony. I go to work and manage the money too.”
Sometimes humour is a gentler way to make a point without making it feel like a confrontation.

3. Call it out directly 📣

If you feel safe and comfortable doing so, there’s nothing wrong with saying:

“I’ve already given you an answer. Please don’t ask me to check with my partner again.”

Because you are not a stand-in or a secretary.

4. Choose your peace 🧘‍♀️ 

If you’re nearly done with the job and just want this person out of your life, that’s valid too. You don’t have to educate everyone. Protect your energy, and know it’s okay to let some things go if it feels right for you.

The real issue? Financial equality at home

At its core, this dilemma isn’t just about tradesmen. It’s about power, trust, and who gets taken seriously when it comes to money decisions. And it reflects a much bigger issue: even in 2025, too many women still don’t feel ownership over the financial decisions they’re actively making.

Being on maternity leave doesn’t mean you’re not earning – you’ve earned that time through work and sacrifice. And it definitely doesn’t mean you’re not contributing. Your voice matters in every money conversation, whether it’s about repainting a gate or deciding your family’s long-term goals.

Final thought

You don’t need permission to spend your own money. You don’t need to double-check your decisions. And you definitely don’t need to “ask your husband.”

If you’ve ever felt talked over, second-guessed, or sidelined in money conversations, you’re not alone – and you’re not overreacting. Your decisions count. Your voice counts.

And when someone insists on speaking to the man in charge? 

Make it clear: you’re the one running the show. 

🎧 Listen to Episode 79 of The Vault
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